Error Messages
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
*This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
*Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
*This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”
* Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
*User Error: Replace user.
*Windows VirusScan 1.0 - “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
*If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you
and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have
security?
*Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Yo Mama Poetry
Roses are red, violets are black, why’s Yo mama’s chest, as flat as her back?
Roses are red, Yo mama’s a witch, give her a quarter and she’ll be your bitch.
Roses are red, violets are gold, so get on your knees and do what you’re told!
Roses are red, I’m at the door, Yo mama has a cup saying “Change for the poor.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, Yo mama stinks, and so do you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, what Yo mama needs is a good shampoo.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Yo mama asked what’s stupid and poor, and I said you.
Roses are red, violets are grey, Yo mama’s so ugly, I don’t know what to say.
Roses are red, violets are blue, beasts like yo mama belong in a zoo.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Yo mama’s breath smells like five day old stew.
Ethical Behavior For Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor’s presence or under his direct care.This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
Bugs In Windows 2000
12. Every time you hit the space bar, hundreds of Ritz crackers fly out of the CD-ROM drive.
11. The so-called “help” file is really just a collection of lame “Chicken Soup for the Soul” anecdotes.
10. Refuses to install new programs until you’ve achieved “clear” status.
9. You hit “delete” and the guy in the next cubicle is instantly transported to Albuquerque.
8. In the middle of your fastest game of Minefield yet, the Stephen Hawking office assistant pops up and says, “It looks like you’re trying to arrive at a Unified Field Theory. Can I help you?”
7. Incorrect installation of printer drivers launches a nuclear strike against France.
6. Dreaded “Blue Screen of Death” replaced by less fearsome “Hamster Dance Screen of Death.”
5. Too easy to win new “Whack-a-Reno” game.
4. Default search options include “Body Cavity Search.”
3. Replaces hilarious, intellectual, pithy Top5 list items with crude junior high school humor.
2. Any time you empty the Recycle Bin, NASA loses another Mars Lander.
1. Changes “.gov” domain to “.bite-me” domain every time.
Entrance Exam For Football Players
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8. What are people in America’s far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS
9. Spell — CAT, DOG, PIG
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
Cowboy Excuses
Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995
Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.
Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden’s announce booth.
Trying to make one of Marv Albert’s blooper reels.
Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: “Winning’s no big deal.”
Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.
Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.
Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
Tired of going to Disneyland.
Practice
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings.
They dialed the number and then sang “Happy Birthday” to him.
But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
“Don’t let it bother you,” said a strange but amused voice.
“You folks need all the practice you can get.”
Misguided
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.
”We’re lost!” One of the hikers complained.
”And you said you were the best guide in the United States.”
”I am,” the guide answered, ” but I think we may have wandered into Canada.”